Meltdown

So yesterday wasnt such a hot day for me mentally.

I thought I was doing well.

I THOUGHT that I was past THIS!

But the press completely threw me off guard on Wednesday.

I mean...I know the anniversary was coming up...

But it is FRIDAY....not WEDNESDAY.

So I started reliving the trauma in my head sooner than I was prepared for. Yes we werent home. Yes no one was hurt BUT to drive into your sub and get lost because nothing looks the same.

To have armed police stationed at the entrances to your sub.

To have your children see the destruction and then when you go to get them out of the trauma and take them to family and it takes you almost  2 hours to drive 5 miles....well...the memories start playing on a loop.

I went to the gym yesterday AM and got on the treadmill. I was taking it nice and easy at 5.5mph. At the very end of my run I bumped it up to 9mph just to get the legs extra warm. While I was running, I suddenly started tearing up out of no where.

Well. I guess I am not dealing with this as well as I thought. And I just figured I would tell Eric that I wanted him to push me to the break point for some therapy. And I mean break point as in puke or die.

I started to tell him that after my 2.25 mile run and I lost it. Just fucking lost it in the gym. Poor guy. And frankly he said no one was hurt...it has been a year...and I know he was right. BUT that doesnt stop the images from going thru my head. I am sure I have a bit of the Post traumatic stress disorder.

I relate it to thinking back on your wedding when it is your anniversary. Ya know..you think about the day...the weather...your dress...how everyone looked. Or a soldier that has seen the death...the destruction...that lives with those images inside your head...It is a mind fuck. It really is. I thought I had them locked away. But the press released them.

We didnt do the major workout I wanted. Instead we focused on technique for deadlifts. He even brought me wrist straps to borrow which were awesome for lightening the load on my wrists and forearms. With those I was able to deadlift 185lbs! My goal for the year is 200! So I am close.

Then we did abs. Backward crunches where you bring your legs straight up and down, then toe touches, then a plank starting on your hands...lowering to one forearm, then the other, then go back up to your one hand then the other. 1:19 at the gym and I burned 627 calories.

Then yesterday afternoon as I am trying to get Landry up to get Xavier from school, the Detroit News shows up at my door. Wanting to know if I want to talk. No. They were surprised that no one wants to. Well it is because we are trying to move on. Once again, I directed them to the 5k and to report on the good of that.

Then last night was RPM. First I did .86 miles on the treadmill to warm up until I could sign up for class. Then it was shoulder work. I even bumped up from my normal 5lb dumbbells to 10lb ones so I am actually a little sore today. Some of my gym peeps who belong to one of my groups on FB came up to me to as how I was doing. That was wonderful. I love that we are a family at Powerhouse. Thanks guys. It really means a lot.

Then RPM. THIS was the release that I needed. I gave it my all. All 65 minutes. I was drenched with sweat and could probably have wrung my shirt out. And I burned over 800 calories in class alone. In total last night at the gym I burned 1141 calories.

In total yesterday 1768 calories burned.

When I got home I thought I had pulled a quad muscle and it was really starting to hurt to walk. So I went upstairs and got heat on it. Now I dont know that it was a pulled muscle or just a sore muscle because apparently with pulled muscles you are supposed to apply COLD to bring down the inflammation and my leg is feeling ALMOST back to normal after having the heating pad on it last night. So I dont know.

Also this morning I weighed in at 155.5. Seems to be where my body is comfortable and I will take it. One pound loss from yesterday but I know muscles are a tad inflamed and sore too.

Today...

Today is the day that we will look back and celebrate that Dexter became an even tighter community then it already was.

The day to give back to the companies and charity's that helped us and STILL continue to do so.

So tonight my only workout will be to run the 5k.

And to stay away from the press as much as possible.

After the run I think it is only fitting for us to go have some drinks. I mean it is supposed to be fricken freezing...exact opposite of last years 80 degree weather....so we will need to warm up right?

So that is my day. Have a happy St. Patricks Day everyone and dont drink and drive.

Tip of the Day: